i really love the song playing in my blog.. 情歌 by Fish Leong.. which means love song..

the tune and melody makes you sad.. but not heartbroken sadness..

it's more of a pity sadness.. that a relationship ended (for whatever reason)..

that a relationship had ended but you will always remember the fond memories between you and him/her..

sometimes.. a relationship ends not cos there's no more love.. but cos, love is the only thing that's left in the relationship..

and as cliché as it may sound, sometimes love just ain't enough.. it's true and you can't deny it (for those who had been through heartbreaks for all reasons but no love..


it's sad.. cos there's nothing you can do.. there's nothing love can do to salvage the relationship..

sad cos you were so happy then.. both of you..

but things change.. everything change except the love.. and love itself can't sustain the relationship..

and when i say everything, it's really everything.. like trust, security, everything..

it comes to a point where love for each other brings nothing but sadness, unhappiness, hurt..

and the only way to make each other happy is to leave..

a painful but only viable solution (in most cases)..



i believe most who read my blog understand this..

(cos well, young people will find my blog boring.. lol)

the kind of beyond-your-control feeling..

the kind of struggle..

you don't wish to end, but there's nothing much you can do..

cos you don't wish to make each other suffer anymore..



its sad.. and whenever you look back at those memories, this sadness will follow..

a beautiful start without a beautiful end..


guess that's part of life..

there can't be gardens with beautiful flowers and butterflies..

even the day has to give way to night and spring to winter..

so is happiness to sadness..


but such sadness will come with a smile while tears flow down..

contradicting emotions.. just like most big decisions in our lives.. *smiles*



found the English and Hanyu Pinyin translation for this song.. change a bit of the English translation though (cos it sounds weird)..

Credits to:　xoxoxobexoxoxo from



Artist: 梁靜茹 Liang Jing Ru
Fish Leong

Song: 情歌 Qing Ge
Love Song



時光是琥珀
shi guang shi hu po
Time is drops of tears

淚一滴滴
lei yi di di
being locked

被反鎖
bei fan suo
in an amber.

情書再不朽
qing shu zai bu xiu
No matter how immortal the love letters are,

也磨成沙漏
ye mo cheng sha luo
it'll still grinded into sand, leaking away.

青春的上游
qing chun de shang you
On the top of youthfulness,

白雲飛走
bai yun fei zou
white clouds are flying pass

蒼狗與海鷗
cang gou yu hai ou
turning into dogs and seagulls.

閃過的念頭
shan guo de nian tou
These flashy thoughts

潺潺的溜走
chan chan de liu zou
are slipping away.

命運好幽默
ming yun hao you mo
Fate is very humorous,

讓愛的人都沉默
rang ai de ren dou chen mo
It makes people in love silent

一整個宇宙
yi zheng ge yu zhou
(and) willing to trade in the universe

換一顆紅豆
huan yi ke hong dou
for a red bean.

回憶如困獸
hui yi ru kun shou
Memories is like a monster

寂寞太久
ji mo tai jiu
that'll eventually became gentle

而漸漸溫柔
er jian jian wen rou
from being lonely for a long time.

放開了拳頭
fang kai le quan tou
Letting go of (it's) fist,

反而更自由
fan er geng zi you
(it feels) much freer.

慢動作
man dong zuo
In slow motion

繾綣膠捲
qian juan jiao juan
attracting,

重播默片
chong bo mo pian
(and) replaying the silent film,

定格一瞬間
ding ge yi shun jian
(I've) stopped for a moment.

我們在告別的演唱會
wo men zai gao bie de yan chang hui
In our farewell concert,

說好不再見
shuo hao bu zai jian
(we've) promised not to meet again.

你寫給我
ni xie gei wo
You wrote me

我的第一首歌
wo de di yi shou ge
my first song.

你和我十指緊扣
ni he wo shi zhi jin kou
You and I were hand in hand
默寫前奏 mo xie qian zou
(and) writing the prelude from (our) memory.

可是那然後呢
ke shi na ran hou ne
But what then?

還好我有
hai hao wo you
At least I still have

我這一首情歌
wo zhe yi shou qing ge
this love song.

輕輕的 輕輕哼著
qing qing de qing qing heng zhe
Lightly humming,
哭著笑著 我的
ku zhe xiao zhe wo de
crying and smiling at my

天長地久
tian chang di jiu
eternity.

命運好幽默
ming yun hao you mo
Fate is very humorous,

讓愛的人都沉默
rang ai de ren dou chen mo
It makes people in love silent

一整個宇宙
yi zheng ge yu zhou
(and) willing to trade in the universe

換一顆紅豆
huan yi ke hong dou
for a red bean.

回憶如困獸
hui yi ru kun shou
Memories is like a monster

寂寞太久
ji mo tai jiu
that'll eventually became gentle

而漸漸溫柔
er jian jian wen rou
from being lonely for a long time.

放開了拳頭
fang kai le quan tou
Letting go of (it's) fist,

反而更自由
fan er geng zi you
(it feels) much freer.

長鏡頭
chang jin tou
The long camera shot

越拉越遠
yue la yue yuan
is pulling further and further,

越來越遠
yue lai yue yuan
further and further.

事隔好幾年
shi ge hao ji nian
After a couple years from this,

我們在
wo men zai
we are at

懷念的演唱會
huai nian de yan chang hui
(our) memorable concert

禮貌的吻別
li mao de wen bie
politely kissing good bye.

你寫給我
ni xie gei wo
You wrote me

我的第一首歌
wo de di yi shou ge
my first song.

你和我十指緊扣
ni he wo shi zhi jin kou
You and I were hand in hand

默寫前奏
mo xie qian zou
(and) writing the prelude from (our) memory.

可是那然後呢
ke shi na ran hou ne
But what then?

還好我有
hai hao wo you
At least I still have

我這一首情歌
wo zhe yi shou qing ge
this love song

輕輕的 輕輕哼著
qing qing de qing qing heng zhe
Lightly humming,

哭著笑著 我的
ku zhe xiao zhe wo de
crying and smiling at my

天長地久
tian chang di jiu
eternity.

陪我唱歌
pei wo chang ge
Sing with me

清唱你的情歌
qing chang ni de qing ge
Sing acapella to your love song

捨不得 短短副歌
she bu de duan duan fu ge
(I) don't want the short chorus to end.

心還熱著
xin hai re zhe
My heart is still hot,

也該告一段落
ye gai gao yi duan luo
but it should come to an end.

還好我有
hai hao wo you
At least I still have

我下一首情歌
wo xia yi shou qing ge
my next love song.

生命宛如 靜靜的
sheng ming wan ru jing jing de
Life is like a calm river

相擁的河 永遠
xiang yong de he yong yuan
embracing each other for

天長地久
tian chang di jiu
eternity.

went to work at a familiar area.. and i told my colleague that i dislike that area.. cos people who had hurt me live there.. not only one, but several..

and she said, next time, when i make friends or get husband, make sure they don live in that area..

cos it apparently is a cursed place ffor me..

haha..

nice theory..

that area was when i first had my heart taken away.. got my heart broken, trust betrayed.. most of my first were there..

i rem when i cried very badly when i was told that my love (then) was moving to that area..

crying hysterically, confirmed that our relationship would be affected once he moved there.. he would break my heart..

and i rem he looking at me, assuring me it's just a place.. and things would not change..

sweet him, as always..

i guessed he must be thinking i was a silly girl then, crying so badly over an area..

haha..

but we split up less than a year after he moved..

*shrugs*



its funny how some things affect you in a way where there's no explanation and no one could understand..

like my gf, she doesnt take beef, not cos of religion but rather cos she is very sure that eating beef gives her bad luck..

and it had proven right every time..

is it in the mind or ?

i dono cos i myself have weird belief too (as mentioned above)..



of cos, rational thinking would tell you it's all coincidence..

but there's so many things on earth that have no explanation..

how can one be sure that it's just coincidence?


i dono, i'd rather not take the risk..

how about you?

through out the years of your life, which is the most fond memory?

attended a 2-day course on Enhancing Intellectual, Emotional & Social Wellness for Successful Life & Work @ Civil Service College by Richard Lim, a psychotherapist..

It was intersting and very relevant.. I learnt that guys aren't that emotional due to the emotional part of the brain (center part) aren't activated.. and therefore, they are usually incapable to reading emotions on other people.. so it aint that they are insensitive but rather, their brain couldnt read the emotions written on the face..

of cos, this is a generalisation.. since over the centuries, there had been countless evolutions and nowadays, there are alot of SNAGs..

anyway.. another thing i learnt was this: Six Key Principles of Emotional Wellness

Principle 1: Emotional is Information

Principle 2: Ignoring Emotions doesn't work

Suppressing emotions may end up making us less capable of remembering information.

It seems that emotional suppression takes energy and attention that otherwise could be used in listening to and processing information.

Principle 3: Hiding emotions is seldom successful

Surface acting and emotional labour have been linked to performance burnout and job turnover.

For instance, expression of joy is often deemed not professional in organisations and this can actually hinder encouragement to reproduce success.

Principle 4: Decisions must incorporate emotion to be effective

No decisions are made without emotion.

Rational thinking cannot occur in the absence of emotion.

Principle 5: Emotions follow logical patterns

Emotions emerge for many reasons and each emotion is part of a sequence from low to high intensity.

Principle 6: Emotional universals exist, but so do specifics

The specifics are:

• Emotional Display Rules
• Secondary Emotions
• Gender & Emotions

and how emotions influence our thinking:



it's really informative.. and i love this quote mentioned:

Our life is what our thoughts make it.


we have to take control of our thoughts and not the other way round cos if our thoughts control us, we may be swarmed by negative and distorted thoughts and it can cause alot of suffering in our lives.

we gotta learn to be positive..

learn that it's not the situations that made us negative.. its our reactions to the situtations..

one situation but different solutions, depending on our reactions and beliefs..

we can't control situations, but we can control our reactions.

there have been numerous research over the years proving that people with a positive mind recover faster from illness..

and we humans aren't meant to be alone.. we are wired for relationships..

positive relationships will enhance our wellbeing and health (physical and mental)..

most importantly, we need to accept that everyone is different..

so keep an open mind, and life will be better in the long run.. =)

someone told me i am an emo person when we were chatting regarding my fb comments.. and i said, "no, my quotes are random.." and he replied, "not from your fb, but from your blog.."

i retailated saying my posts were random too.. but his reply was, "but you blogged about it cos you thought about it.."

hmmmm.. interesting theory.. yes, my entries were due to me thinking of the topic and wrote them down.. my thoughts, my views about certain stuff that had happened to me or my friends or just random news..

by thinking of certain matters, does it make a person an emo person?

i admit, i used to be an emo person.. didn't help when i was young and i had quite a lot of friends with the same dramatic genes in them.. lol..

well, i believe 90% of the population were in that catergory once (emo).. but to what extent? suicide? drink drank drunk every other night? dramatic status on fb/twitter? gothic makeup? tearing every minute?

a bit of emo-ness is good (imo).. one can't be positive and laughing all the time.. whether you choose to reveal that side of yours to your friends, everyone or just your little puppy, it's good to show.. to let that part of emotions out..

think and be negative.. just for a little while.. dramatic.. for tiny winy bit.. doesn't hurt.. afterall, life is so boring.. without such ups and downs, what will life be? monotonous living like zombie?

of cos, i am not saying to be emo and dramatic ALL the time.. it pisses people off and its such a turn off to be forever emo-ing and dramatic.. like watching Korean soap opera.. =.=

i think alot.. i really do.. when i have some quiet time.. i will think of things.. of life in general.. love.. friends.. family.. goal in life.. work.. etc..

thinking makes me achieve different perspectives of matters and thus, able to 'see' more.. of cos, i won't think and start being emo and cry and all that stunts..

i have passed that stage..

though i do miss that stage, no cos i love being emo, but i love being young.. where you do things without thinking much of the consequences.. with a care in the world.. smiling and crying at the same time.. doing stupid stuff with your friends.. =)

don't you miss that?

we have grown older and wiser but with that, we lost our innocence and naive-ness..

was browsing fb on my iphone when i got a notification that i had a message..

went in and saw this msg:


first he ask a random girl to sms him to tell him abt her.. and not ask her to reply his fb..

then he said he did not have a comp at home, he was using office comp..

which well, is one in a million chance of a person not having a comp at home..

then, i went to click on his profile (obviously kapoh) and saw this:


so he is attached.. yet he go msg girls with such things.. i bet he didn't just msg me but a whole bunch of others too..

and then.. i went to click on his gf's profile and guess what i saw? a weird status update:


so based on my assumption, his gf's status was about the bf.. and my guess is, this guy changed his password so that he can go around msging girls without the worry of getting found out by the gf..

what an asshole.

this is what pissed me off. usually, i would jus click on the profile, browse through to satisfy my curiosity and that's it, end of story.

(nope, i NEVER reply to such msgs in fb)

but this guy's behaviour turned me off. he is obviously cheating on his gf.

some may argue saying, it's jus a msg. well, for me, it's cheating, one way or another. if any of the girls replied him and flirted with him, it's only a matter of time before he two/three-time his gf.

fucker.

*rolleyes*

i actually had the thought of msging his gf but decided against it. i don't want to be responsible for their breakup.

so be careful if your partner refuses to let you have his/her pw. something is not right.

i am very into cameras.. and since last year, i fell in love with toy cameras and polariods.. love them to bits..

alot of people wanna buy DSLRs.. for their high resolutions and quality.. for me, i love the randomness of toy cameras, the vintage touch they have on photos.. and the familiar feeling of buying films and developing them..

when i first stepped into the shop, i was immediately attracted to the cameras displayed.. and since then, i had been buying a camera almost once every 2 months or so..

however, people who knows me well, knows that i like limited edition stuff.. and thus, i have been looking for limited edition cameras..

or in some color that isn't that common.. haha..

i am trying to set up a photo blog for my camera buys (which is similar to my fb album of Camera Buys ♥ )

and maybe photos taken by the various cameras i have.. :D

i am too busy though, no time to even blog.. thus, its gonna be a long wait for my photo blog to be up..

anyway, let me list out the cameras i have now from the very first.........................

Instax Mini 7s - white (limited edition) ♥
got it with cherrie's help when she went to Japan..

GoldenHalf - Red trees (limited edition) ♥
bought it in Singapore.. wanted to get the original for this cos i like the design but it was out of stock.. but this is just as pretty..

photo taken by golden half..

BlackBirdFly - Last Decade (Limited edition) ♥
bought it in Singapore.. wanted to get orange but fell in love with this hot pink edition instead..

this is how the photo will look like.. :D

anyway, i intend to buy the full series of this cameras.. all the different colors.. ♥

Gakkenflex ♥
i happened to go to the shop to browse for camera bags i think and saw this camera..



its in a box like this:


and what i had to do is to put all the parts together and ta da! my toy camera is done! damn vintage and a great sense of satisfaction! ♥

Polaroid One Step Land Camera x 2 ♥
this was a gift from Rach's bf's mum when I went to visit them in Melbourne last November.. It was such a pleasant surprise.. his mum was a camera fan too.. polariod fan to be exact and she loves taking pics..

cant forget how her eyes lit up when she saw my collection of cameras then.. :D

Instax Mini 25 Cheki Hello Kitty Camera ♥
latest buy.. with help of another friend who went to Japan last month.. I had other cameras for her to help me buy but she only managed to find this cos the other was very difficult to find.. well, i will probably buy that in Singapore then..

anyway, i am not a fan of Hello Kitty but I like the colour mix of white and red for this camera.. they have a white color edition but I already had one white polariod camera so its kinda pointless to get another full white instax camera..

but i love white.. haha.. and when i saw this edition, i fell in love with it (of cos, i would prefer if they had Mickey Mouse edition!).. and decided to get this together with its Hello Kitty films.. lol

with Hello Kitty films.. both Instax Mini 7s and 25 will have photos in this size.. =D

well, this are the cameras i had so far.. i still have a lot more on my wishlist which i will get it sooner or later! :D

only pity is i have been so busy, i din have time to full utilize my cameras.. gotta find time soon!

sometimes i wonder.. do years really mean anything?

does a person who you have known for 5 years better than a friend you have known for 5 months?

these days, i have seen and heard of people being "betrayed" by their friends, long years of friendships, more than a decade.

disappointments, anger, disgust.. most of all, self-reprimanding..

they felt confused, lost.. why did they once trust those friends so deeply?

why is it that those friends weren't the friends he/she knew a decade ago?


was it his/her fault?


nope. it's not.

this is life.

people change. change is the only constant.

and with the change of environment, people around, it's not that hard to change.


a person's real personality may not surface for the first 20 years of his/her life due to family, school, education..

but once a person goes to work, starts going out, explore, more temptations and 'tests' will show a person's true character, be it good or bad.


as one grows older, he/she will experience more feelings, negative feelings mostly.

jealousy, hatred, dislike etc..

in turn, this may turn a nice and kind person into a jealous and scheming asshole.


can we really blame them for being who and what they are?


maybe to them, we are flawed too cos in their eyes, what they do is right and justifiable.

not everyone views friendship in the same way.


some people view friendships as rare jewels, some treat them as tools, others view them as dispensable objects..


everyone is different.


at least, you get to know that they aren't the type of friends you wanna be with now..

its definitely better than knowing that in like another 20-30 years' time isn't it? =)


or maybe, the end of a friendship will allow the other party to realise your importance?

it may also starts a new life separately, a more fulfiling life that you never had when with the old bunch of friends?


these are all the positive thoughts that one can have when meet with such .. experience..



and always remember, even though the friendship ended, the person might not be who you thought was, this person or this group of people had brought you joy once, and that's all you need to remember..


everyone has a book of memories.. you wouldnt want to fill them up with bad chapters, burnt edges or smudged pages all the time would you? =)


so to my friends who are going through the loss of a long term friendship, don't blame yourself or the other party..

it's life.

without the downs, you won't appreciate the ups.

without this end, you may never get to appreciate the start. =)

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of others. Be original."

always rem that because it's always better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you aren't. =)

ps: jus a random post of mine~

People always say, "Words mean nothing with no actions to prove them .."

But there's also saying that "Words hurt as much, if not more than, actions.."

Both true to me.

In fact, I believe the second saying is the effect of the first.. Because the first saying, people have the mindset that words can't hurt.. And therefore, become insensitive to what they say.. Underestimate the power of words.. 

No matter how much you try, you get affected by words.. It's the words that affect your mood, your confidence.. 

Words kill.. Look at the numbers of death due to words.. Chinese has this saying, "人言可畏 " 

Words can hurt, it can kill a person, literally at times.. 

Just as words can heal a person.. Boost one's confidence.. 

Don underestimate the power of words my dear..

Use them to heal, not hurt.. 

你相信真愛嗎？

saw this on a website:


What is Love?

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

-St. Augustine, movie "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"

do you agree? =)

Today I got 2 donation booklets from my ex-colleague cum friend. It is donation booklets for Children Charities Association of Singapore (CCA).

Proceeds will go to:
1. The Association for Persons with Special Needs,

2. Movement for the Intellectually Disabled of Singapore,

3. St Andrew's Mission Hospital,

4. Singapore Association for the Deaf,

5. Singapore Children's Society,

6. Spastic Children's Association of Singapore.


When I asked for 2 booklets, I was thinking to myself,”well, these days not many people want to donate money, so it’s gonna be tough selling.” So I only took 2 booklets, 20 tickets in total.

When I started asking my colleagues to buy the tickets, I was expecting to sell only 1 book and I was going to buy the 2nd booklet. To my surprise, my colleagues each bought at least 2 tickets, and 3 of them actually bought 3 booklets (1 booklet each)!

I was very touched, seriously. They bought it so readily; they did not even ask if there’s lucky draw or when’s the event etc which most public would ask. They merely ask, “donation for? “ after I replied, they just said. “okay! One book for me! “

It’s that simple.

With all the scams and hoo-haa of various big charities, Singaporeans are getting very sceptical about donating, even if it’s only $2 each.

However, there are still a group of people who still wish to help the needy in the country, still believes there are genuine associations/organisations in Singapore that are helping those in need.

I am much more positive now and hope more people will regain their confidence in charity and donate generously cos ultimately, when we get stingy with our donations, it ain’t those CEOs or Directors who suffer, but those who are depending on these associations to survive through every day needs.

The directors or management level would still be paid a comfortable sum of money every month while those who really need help, such as medical bills, dialysis machines etc, would be crying and worrying about the next day, cos we public had lost hope and stop donating.

So please people, be kind! donate! =)

* CCA will be having their annual fun-fair event around November this year to help raise funds for the needy children. Do stay tune for updates! =)

a gf asked about my ex bf.. and pics..

as i was showing her his pics.. i felt sad.. tears threaten to fill my eyes.. i stopped it..

nope, i am no longer in love with him, so is he.. we are purely friends (if not accquaintances)..


for those who do not know me, this past relationship was a fulfiling one.. he was a very nice person and was true to me through out the relationship..

but it ended eventually.. with no one's fault.. sometimes, love just ain't enough..


maybe i was feeling melachony.. maybe too much memories came back to me..

it's not the kind of sad that you lost someone you love.. its not longer the same sadness i felt when he broke up with me..

it was a sense of pity..

we were so close to starting a new life together.. but we didn't..

and this relationship taught me alot of things.. really alot.. and though it ended, i have no regrets..

i'm glad i have the memories..

he has found a better half.. a person more suitable than i am.. and i give him my blessings..


a friend had said, when the time comes, you will be able to let go..

you will know when its time to let go..

till then, no words of advice will be able to change your mind..


how true is that?

those who had been through failed relationships..

failed relationships which were supposed to work.. or at least, it seemed to work..

do you agree?

that your heart will know when it's time to let go?


if your heart knows when it is time to let go, will it know when it's time to tie the knot? when you meet the right person, will your heart let you know?


i must admit, i do not have an answer to that.

so.. do you have an answer for me?

往往, 你認為最了解你的人就是在你最需要了解的時候第一位誤會你的人~

人生就只這樣.. 當你越在乎一個人, 越信任一個人, 你就會對他有更高的期望..

而往往, 你會因此更失望..

反而, 當你對一個人沒期望時, 你不會有任何失望..

人應該有期望呢, 還是避免失望?

我也不知道.. 你呢?

disappointments can push a person into giving up..

appreciations can push a person into a much better man..

anger can push a person into doing something drastic like killing etc..

heartbreaks can push a person into commiting suicide or kill another person..

love can push a person into doing sth that he/she wasnt confident of before..


that's how powerful feelings can be..

emotions.. these are unexplanable things in life that can control a person's mind and actions..


how many times have we seen on papers or witness situations that are pushed by emotions?

stupid things.. touching moments..


some people says emotions are nothing compared to minds..

but how true is that?

one should be rational...

but if a person is rational all the time, wouldnt he be a walking corpse?

of cos, a person cant be irrational all the time, he/she would be crazed!


what i am saying is a person needs emotions to be really living..

some people are so indifferent to everything, they are like walking corpses..

deep inside, more often than not, they are afraid to reveal that "weak" side of theirs..

thinking that showing emotions make them vulnerable..


and therefore, they built a wall around them.. to prevent them from being vulnerable..

and those who try to go in will be blocked by the wall, which is filled with thorns..

after awhile, no one will try to go near it..

and it become a fortress with only one man livining in it..


they feel lonely.. but their belief prevented them from opening a small window out of that tall wall..


if they are lucky, one day, a person will come along with weapons strong enough to destroy that wall and make it a beautiful castle with wonderful memories..


if not, they will grow to be grumpy old men and women..

which we see at times, at work..


we see 2 types of people:

the cynical person who is indifferent to everything n hates anything that involves feeling..

and the emotional nutcase who is always so dramatic over little things and crying over almost anything..


which one do you rather have in your life? be it work or personal?

the walking corpse or the drama king/queen?


i personally prefer the former.. at least i can just ignore him and argue with him when he gets irritating..

but the latter? he/she may jus threaten to die and spread vicious rumors about you ignoring him/her, break his heart etc..

at least the former would be too indifferent to bother doing that childish stuff!




how about you?

what kind of persons do you have in your life?

is it time for you to do sth about those irritants? =)

some people may think that i am always emo.. due to the way i design my blog.. the songs i put.. the words i write..

well.. i am not..

i like to design blogs in a more.. hmmm.. alright.. emo way not because i am very emo.. but because such designs show your feelings..

its actually harder to design happy layouts (for me) and it hinders my writing..

my blog is mostly about thoughts.. deep thoughts..

i don usually blog about my daily life.. what i have bought today.. what i have eaten.. blah blah blah..

so.. such so-called emo layouts allow me to open my heart and blog what my thoughts are churning out..



just like i only blog when its late at night and i am alone..

cos thats when you are most relaxed.. your mind aren't disturbed by the television, traffic, work..

this is the time where you can sit down, and start thinking about.. everything in life.. =)



a friend msg me in fb the other day saying that she loved my blog.. love the way i write my blog.. my thoughts.. the words i use..

i am truely flattered..

surprised that there's still people who read my entries considering i don't update as much as before due to my heavy schedule..

in any case.. she made me write again.. i put in effort to blog again..

and not to let my thoughts wander and get lost on the way..

so thank you my friend, for that fb msg.. =)



i went up to esplanade roof top the other day.. and that was years since the last time i went up..

the feeling was different jus as the landscape was different..

it was.. empty then.. no bar/restaurant.. no artifical garden.. it was jus.. a plain roof top..

but it attracted lots of couples.. like it does now..

i look at the stage downstairs and memories came..

i was once in front of that stage.. with a boy.. a boy who took my heart away for the first time.. a boy i tot was the one.. a boy who i tot i can love forever..

a boy.. who broke my heart again n again till i couldnt believe in love anymore..

we held hands in front of the stage..

we held hands on the roof top..

we took photos..

i was smiling so sweetly that my eyes were visible..

that's simple happiness.. naive, innocent girl who believed she found her prince charming..


years later.. the girl stood at the same place.. without that smile.. that simple happiness..

now replaced is a bitter smile.. smiling at the memories she had as a young adult..

smiling at all the naive thoughts, all the ignorance, all the .. simplicity..



that's the down side of growing up.. you lose that simplicity.. whether you like it or not..

there's an amour in you.. that you use to protect yourself.. to guard from exposing too much of your inner self..

guard against heartbreak..


some say take the risk! life's too short for guarding!

some say, have a safe journey.. life's already tough as it is..


which one do you agree upon?





i am the latter trying to be the former.. you?

i like watching movies.. in the cinema.. it doesnt really matter if i can fully understand what was the movie going on.. or if i can hear all the words that are being said.. jus by being in there helps me escape.. the reality..

not to say that reality sucks (though it usually does).. just that it helps me to forget about the stress at work, the responsibilities, the anger, sadness, happiness of my own.. and most imptly, who i am..

for that 2 hours, i would be into another person's life.. another character.. experiencing a different life than my own..

which is good..

i am an escapist, some may say.. and i won't deny..

why do one has to always be forced to face the reality every second of the life?

there's 365 days in a year.. why do we have to be in the real life more than half the time?

as you grow older, there's less things that can satisfy you.. its a fact..

the more you know, the more you want..

jus like buying branded goods.. some say, once you start, you wont stop..

from one bag, to another, and another and on and on..

its like an addiction.. cos the more you know, the more you want..

that's life, that's human, that's us..

shrugs..



but at the same time, the more you know, the more you don't want..

ironic?

not so..

it depends on what are the knowledge you gain..

and thus, the decision you make to want or not..



the things you know affects alot on your decision later on.. you have to admit that..

which is why sometimes, people rather not know..

ignorance is bliss..

this quote doesn't come without a reason..


how many times in life did you regret knowing something?

how many times were you glad that you did?


in the end, do you prefer a life not knowing things or do you wish that you had known more?

for me, i prefer the latter..

how about you?

was looking through blogs from my list.. and saw this entry:

小樂發覺到——

每當發生會令你非常開心的事時；
你最想要第一時間告訴的[人]；

也就是；

每當發生會令你不高興的事時；
最不想告訴的同樣一個[人]~

got me thinking.. is this common? are we mostly like that?

likes to share your happiness with that particular someone but do not wish to let him/her in for any unhappy things?

why?

to protect the person?

to never want the person to be unhappy?

to always see the person smiling?


but if you are the person, would you rather your loved one share only the happy stuff with you or would you want to share his/her burdens too?

i don't know about others..

but i would want to share everything with the person.. tears n laughters.. everything..

and i would want to be the person he comes to for everything..


maybe that's the way that i can feel that i mean something to him.. impt enough to be let in the sad stuff..

when you love someone, it gives you the strength to be strong enough to wipe the tears and share the burden..

love isn't weak.. its strong..

at least mine is.. =)

its the start of a new year, end of an old year..

its time for ppl to write about reflections and new goals, new hopes..

then i went to click on my december entries in the past 2 years, 2008 and 2007..

a roller coaster of emotions.. a roller coaster of emotions..

i smiled, then my heart ached and tears threatened to fall..

am i sad? i'm not sure..

am i happy? nope..

am i disappointed? i guess so..

in what? i am not sure either..


i looked at my 2008 entry and i saw this:

in 4 days' time, we will be celebrating the end of this year and welcoming the beginning of next year..

as i think back this year, alot of things changed.. for the better or worse? thats up to individual..

for me, i feel that all in all, it was for the better..

i believe everything happens for a reason.. when a door is closed, another will open in no time.. =)

alot of tears flowed this year, just as alot of laughter was heard..

i have grown up alot this year..

closed up alot, but opened up alot too..

learned to be more realistic..

learned to be more contented..

as for next year, i am keeping my hopes that it will be better, but i have learnt to always leave room for disappointment..

cos with high hopes, come with great disappointment..

this is just how life works..

how about yours?

have you reflected on your past year and plans for next year? =)

and this is what i hope for this year too..

be even more contented.. even more realistic.. hopes for better but not to hope too much..

last year this time, i thought my previous year were a roller coaster with so many things changing..

this year this time, i looked back and there's even more changes.. huge changes..

and last year, i had grown up a lot..

this year, i have grown up even more..



when i looked at the photos in 2007..how i spent my christmas.. and then in 2008, how i spent it..

and then this year..

huge differences..

and i realised.. my smiles changed.. alot..

i remembered how a person had told me that my smiles told alot of stories.. how my smiles werent happy smiles..

i din really see it then..

now i do..

i look at my photos.. it was different.. the happiest smiles kinda stopped in 2007..



why?

it has nth to do with anyone.. its just me.. the growing process.. make one forget how to appreciate small things..

how to believe in happiness.. simple happiness..

now everytime i smile or laugh happily.. at the back of my mind.. i am prepared for unhappiness later on..

skeptical? maybe. cynical? most probably.



i lost a lot this year.. but its a blessing in disguise i suppose..

i gained alot too.. i finally get to see who are true and who aren't..

every year is like that i guess..

you lose more n more pple and then at the same time, your life gets simpler and simpler (in a way)..

i also nearly lost a bit.. but i got back.. to the disappointment of some and gladness of others.. =)



i remembered feeling that way few years back, when i got back from aussie and got attached..

i remembered losing alot but gained alot too.. my life got simpler and more complicated at the same time..

and it was a blessing in disguise..

i wouldnt say those were bad years cos i enjoyed it.. with my then bf of cos.. =)

i learnt to be loved.. i learnt to be pampered.. i learnt to talk to solve things instead of screaming..

i learnt to compromise..

and then.. in 2009..

i learnt not to compromise.. i learnt to love.. i learnt to pamper.. i learnt that talking may not solve things..

i learnt to accept..

and i learnt that.. your heart can ache so much that you wish to stab it with a knife..


i also learnt that.. friends.. come and go..

those who are always with you may not be those who really understand you or love you the most..

i learnt to use my heart to look but my brain to judge..



i went back to aussie in 2009 with my trusted friend.. and the feeling was very different.. everything had changed..

the stores.. the people.. the routes.. the feelings.. everything changed..

as much as you hope to find back the old feelings.. it's gone.. and you can never get it back..

memories are the only thing that stay..

and i have learnt that in order to move on, one needs to learn to accept and forget about the past..

dont hold on to it..

accept the past and don't look back.. don go dig back old stuffs.. old queries.. old doubts..

it doesnt change things.. it only stir up unnecessary emotions.. which is not worth..




i realised i always look back.. and sometimes, i forget to turn back and look in front.. i get pulled into the past and i din wish to come back to the present..

and this year.. i hope i will learn not to look back so much and well, learn to concentrate on the front.. just like driving.. =)



i've come to understand myself better.. i've learnt that i am not as strong as i seem..

i realised that i have lost the confidence that i used to have..

whose fault?

i am not sure.

the self-confidence that i used to have.. that made me strong.. and pull me thru everything lost me this year..

and i fell badly.. real bad..

but in the mist of it.. i found pillars.. i found support.. thru comforting words.. thru assuring hugs.. to firm reprimanding.. thru silence.. they were there.. and i am glad.. =)



i also learnt that i am a much more forgiving person than i thought i was.. but at the same time, i am not as soft hearted as before..


good or bad? i guess i will know at the end of 2010.


i predict more changes to come this year.. and it may or may not be good..

am i prepared? yes.

will i be able to handle it? i am not sure.

but what i am sure is, when i cant handle.. there'll always be someone there to support me..

and i am glad. =)

thank you whoever the person may be at that point of time.

thank you.



well.. that's my reflections for 2009. a year of massive changes. a roller coaster of emotions. cry when i am happy and laugh when i am sad. crazy.

how about yours? =)