Dreams ✗ Expectations

A friend of mine has decided to venture out and start afresh in another country. It was not an easy decision; she did not have support from most people, especially her family. However, she held on to her decision and is flying off soon. Comments received include:

⇝ Immature
⇝ Unfilial
⇝ Friends who support her must be fake friends, those who object really care for her
⇝ Selfish

I can understand the above comments such as immature and selfish, but unfilial and fake friends? Whoever commented this was not using the brain. Why do I say so?

For the former, she is not the only child and her parents are healthy (not like diagnosed with terminal illness or something) and staying with other sibling(s) (with family). She is not in her teens and she has definitely thought it through before coming to such an important decision. Who says people who are living overseas must be unfilial? Does giving monthly expenses and staying together means filial? Shouldn’t filial piety come from the heart and not the superficial actions shown? Does making herself unhappy and do what the family wants mean filial? Does coming back to a house where she is being ignored and look down on daily mean filial? Does doing laundry and washing the plates mean filial?

Come on, they are not. Yes, there are arguments in the family, they have been upset over matters, but family should always stand together, as the saying goes, blood is thicker than water. I have seen my friend crying over mean words coming out from her family, suppressing her unhappiness and forcing herself to be what she is not and with people she does not like for her family, and more. All these were not appreciated by her family cos her family only sees the lousy side of her. I may sound biased but I have seen the weakest side of her and I have also witnessed how the family treated her. I have arguments with my family too, very badly, but we always stand together and we communicate. My family may not like certain decisions but they will always stand by me. This is what family is for. Family does not condemn each other. When they support, they support wholeheartedly. They see each other's point of view, they do not force each other to be what they expect. There is no expectations to meet, esp in love, only unconditional love and support. 

Now, those who support her must be fake friends. I totally cannot accept this. Real friends will give you advice, but the choice is yours to make and real friends will always support you for whatever decision you make (of cos, unless you say you want to take drugs, commit suicide, do things that are illegal and will harm yourself). Real friends do not object and condemn your decisions. People who really care for you will always stand by you, no matter what you do.

Yes, it is definitely a big risk to make such a decision, especially going to a country where you do not know their native language, a place where you stand out awkwardly and a risk of ending up with nothing. However, she is old enough (no longer teens or young adult) to choose her own path and she is aware of the risks and the consequences should her plan fail. Since she has thought it through and decided, what’s the point of stopping her? Yes, maybe she has not been with the other party for long, and yes, she may end up heartbroken etc, but at least it is her choice right? She has no one else to blame but herself should things go wrong. She should be old enough to handle herself and bear responsibility for her actions. Why treat her like a kid? If she were to do what is being told by others and things go wrong, who is willing to bear the responsibility? Who will bear the consequences? It will still be her. So, let her go. If this is a wrong move, let her fall and pick herself up. Every experience is a lesson learnt, so let her learn. I am also worried for my friend, but I trust her enough to let her make her own decisions. She has her reasons and I am not her, I may not think like her and she may not think like me. Likewise, she may not think like her family. I pray for her to be successful in her venture and hopefully, one day, those who objected will be able to see her real smile when she succeed. If she doesn’t, well, at least she learnt something and there will be no regrets.

So my friend, you have my support. I worry for you but I believe you will do your best to make things happen. 加油. ت

玩你的人与爱你的人

你身边那位，是玩你，还是爱你？

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玩你的人：半夜會找你打電話聊天到很晚。
愛你的人：會告訴你不要聊那麼晚。

玩你的人：他會找你出去玩，叫你放棄正事。
愛你的人：他會催你好好工作，踏踏實實。

 
玩你的人：在你生病時，會講好話關心你。
愛你的人：在你生病時，他會關心到你煩，並強迫你去看醫生。 

玩你的人：他會盡量說好話來討好你，你也會覺得很開心。
愛你的人：他所說的話，都是關心你的，但是通常像是在命令。 

玩你的人：他什麼事情都會配合你，只要你開心。
愛你的人：他會幫你辨別是非，但是你會感覺他管的太多。 

玩你的人：他說他要給你最大的快樂。
愛你的人：他只能給你保證，你跟他在一起，他是最快樂的。 

玩你的人：他在意你的生活細節，即使你做錯了什麼，他也不會指出來。 

愛你的人：他在意你的一舉一動，告訴你什麼地方錯了，什麼地方該如何做，該如何與別人交往。 

玩你的人：他不會在意你去做什麼，與什麼人交往。
愛你的人：他很在意你去做什麼，與什麼人交往。他還會告戒你不要與什麼人交往。

玩你的人：他只想要現在。  

愛你的人：他已經預見未來，該怎麼自我努力，好好給你幸福。 

玩你的人：他會說“我喜歡你！”
愛你的人：他會說“我愛你。

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如果，你愛過或者被愛過，那麼，你會感到這些話千真萬確。

Good or Bad?

People always say, be with a good person, don’t be with a bad one. How do you define ‘good’ and ‘bad’? A good person is someone who looks girl/boy-next-door, doesn’t smoke, gamble or flirt around while a person who does any of the above is considered bad? How can you be sure that a good person will stay forever good or a bad person will always be bad?

A bad person means you do not expect him/her to be good; anything good that comes out is considered a bonus and definitely appreciated. On the other hand, a good person means you will be more disappointed when he/she does something that is considered bad in your eyes. A good person does not mean he/she will not lie and a bad person does not mean he/she is always untruthful.

I always believe an extremely lousy person will have his/her good side and an extremely nice person will have his/her evil side. Someone nice does not necessarily mean he/she will be liked by everyone and someone nasty does not mean he/she will be disliked by all. Everyone has his/her good and bad side; it depends on which side you see or is willing to believe and/or accept.

Of cos, I do have people that I dislike and people that I like. However, I always believe there is the other side of them that I do not see, thus, the different opinions from different people. I do not expect the people around me to see what I see; likewise, don’t expect me to see what others see. People should always agree to disagree. Everyone is unique, be it good or bad.

Don't be judgemental and expect everyone to think like you. There are always grey areas; not everything is in black and white. 

Emotionally Swayed

Evidence that imply an unnatural relationship, an emotional affair:

→Keep in contact through all means
→Stalk each other on social media
→Leave special entries for each other
→Buy gifts for each other
→Always claim that they are not close

All the above are done in secrecy and lies

Of Co's, with the above, you may not be able to prove your partner is having a affair. What can you do if your partner refuses to admit right?

Well technically speaking, it's not an affair. Just emotionally swayed, if you must define it, with 'justifiable' lies Co's he/she doesn't want you to be unhappy.

Still, lies and more lies. How much will you tolerate?

Choice is yours. If you can live with it, if you can believe that your partner won't do it again, then go ahead and forgive. Else, think carefully Co's such people will always think that what they are doing are  not considered affairs, and lies are always justifiable. So the chance of it happening again is very high.

Did I mention you will be portrayed as unreasonable and over sensitive? So if you can accept such terms in yourself, good.

Note: Culprits of such emotional affairs are usually the so-called nice people.

Filial Piety

How much are you willing to go to show your filial piety? Ultimate compliance to their requests, be it good or bad?  Submit 90% of your salary to them every month? Always on their side even if they are in the wrong? How much is too much?

Does not listening mean unfilial? Does not meeting their standards mean unfilial? Does not doing any of the above mean unfilial? 

You are not a puppet. Giving birth to you does not mean they have control over your life. I have friends who are considered unfilial because they refuse/unable to oblige to their parents’ requests; simple requests like doing household chores, to unreasonable ones like marrying people they do not love.

I find it hard to comprehend. How can any parent define filial piety as ultimate compliance to their requests? They THINK they are doing the RIGHT thing, they THINK their decisions are the BEST for you, they THINK they know you BETTER than yourself and so, you have to follow. Mind you, these are what THEY think, not how YOU really FEEL.

Your life is yours to write and the path is yours to walk. You are the one who will bear the consequences from the decisions made in your life, not your parents. I am not saying that you should never listen to your parents, but I think there should be discretion. You have to decide for yourself what you really want in life, especially decisions that will cause major changes in your future.

Of cos, you still listen to them. Seek their advice and understand them. No parent will harm his/her child. Communication is very important. Yes, they may be stubborn (which parent aren’t?) and have their own values and principles, but they always love their children. Listen but make your own decisions.

If any parent is reading this, I hope you are not offended. I am not a parent myself, but I do understand the need to protect the loved ones, and always wanting to make the best decisions for them. It is out of good will and I am sure all parents want the best for their children. However, they are not you, they may carry your genes, but they do not have your thoughts nor heart. They have their own thoughts, their own likes and dislikes, their ambitions and goals. Listen to them, advice them but do not force them to do what you wish they will, especially when it comes to matters of heart. Forcing will only make matters worse. Give them your support and assure them that the door to home will always be open for them. You can’t protect them forever, one day, they will need to fall and learn on their own. Of cos, they may not learn immediately, but maybe one day, they will. There is only so much that you can do for your loved ones, cos you cannot be there for them 24/7. They will need to decide what they want on their own, and learn to shoulder responsibility for their actions and they can only learn that through their falls.

In a nutshell, both parents and children should learn the art of listening. Parents have been children once and children will be parents someday. So, it should not be too hard to understand each other right? Always remember, your life is yours to write and so is the everyone else. Don't attempt to write the script for someone else, let them do it on their own and let the ending unveils itself.

Filial piety is not ultimate compliance, it is understanding, faith and unconditional love.