i was told not to publicise my personal stuff.. and i was thinking.. if on my own blog i cant be real.. if in my own fb profile, i cant be true.. if i have to pretend in front of those i love most.. where can i be frank?

no one reads my blog anyway.. so is my fb.. those who really cares will know it thru my own mouth.. not thru such engines..

alot of people speculate over my one fb msg.. a msg which was written in an emotional state.. a heartbroken state.. and pple started spreading rumours..

its my fault and if there're things i regret, this is one of the most regrettable stuff i had ever done..

these are the places where i could be frank cos he never reads it.. he never read my profile nor my blog.. and i tot i could be frank without pissing him off..

but i forgot.. walls have ears.. words spread and ta da! its done.. i have ruined it again..

and now i have to bear the consequences.. of pretending.. to be happy.. to be contented..

sitting right beside him n knowing he's not mine.. standing beside him and can't hold his hands..

feeling sick and pretended that am healthy.. smiling n happy..

only one thing never change: i still hide in the toilet n cry and he still doesnt know..

nothing to be happy about over here..



first time.. really.. to feel like this.. to really understand some ppl love till they wanna die..

why some ppl committed suicide over love..

cos living without the one they love is worse than dying without them..



not worth it.. some would say but who's to judge?

no one.

no one has the right to judge cos you cant fault love..

love is without reason, without justification.. without conditions.. and definitely without logic..




i m standing in a position of loving n being loved..

love or be loved?

my mind says latter but my heart chooses former..

to be happy or miserable?

again, mind chooses the easy way out and heart chooses the hard one..

stupid.. utterly stupid..

but love makes you stupid.. thats the way it should..

and right now, i am being one..




on an emotional roller coaster.. up the few hours, and crashing for the rest of it..

depressed, suicidal, hysterical, schizophrenic..

will this ever end?

like a fairytale? a romance movie?

and they live happily ever after?

if i pray hard enough, will it happen?





if i beg you, will you come back?