officially one year older this week.. people have been asking me, how do i feel now that i am one year older?
my ans? nothing, just glad that i look younger than my actual age..

but as i lay on my bed, trying to get to zzz.. i thought about the qns again.. how do i really feel now that i am one year older?

i looked back at my years.. and saw the changes.. a friend say i am more mature now.. able to see through life and have learnt to let go of things and people..

but in actual fact, have i really seen through life? of people? do i let go easier now? or am i pretending that i do?

i can understand more of life now.. definitely.. i can understand some things are meant to be.. some aren't..

but do i really accept that explanation? that simple explanation that can lift a person so high up and so down below within seconds?

i dono. i seriously don't.


朋友說我很瀟灑.. 很看得開..
我真的是嗎? 如果是, 為何我會在夜裡哭泣, 為了過去而哭泣?


there are so many people smiling and laughing all the time.. but are they really happy? or are they hiding their true feelings?


are they like me, only cry when the sky is dark and no one is around?


like me, who will hold on to the last moment, bottle things up till there's no more space except out?
is it healthy?


most say no. but who is to judge?


do those people who show their emotions on their faces all the time healthy? cry all the time in public healthy?


*shrugs*


this trait is something that never change through the years.. even when i am older now, i still cry only when no one is around (if i can help it)..


i am still the kind who will laugh and smile on the outside but cry inside..


the one who will keep things within till it reaches the limit..


only one thing has changed.. i am able to accept reality more readily now.. i am able to accept that simple explanation mentioned earlier..


but it takes time..


how long? i dono. depends i guess.


kinda down these days due to a close friend who had her heart broken.. by a guy she never expect to fall but fell so deeply..

she said this, "love deep, gave all.. hurt deep, lost all.."


and my heart ached.. cos it's so true.. simple truth..


she really tried to let go.. i can see that.. but when night falls, her tears start flowing and insomnia follows..


for 2 months plus, that's her life.. and finally, her body gave way..
i felt sad for her.. i wish i can give her a miracle pill so that she will be happy again.. but i cant..


i also cant tell her that miracle will happen cos it won't..
as a friend, i can only hug her, dry her tears, drink with her, shop with her and advise her..


but a woman myself, i know.. it's not that easy, esp for ladies..


she couldnt stop herself from caring for him.. couldnt stop herself from loving him though she knows he no longer have feelings for her..


she laughs and smiles when we are around.. but when night falls and everyone else has left, she looks at me and i can see the sadness in her..


and i understand the pain and sadness.. the kind where you'd rather you have died or lost memories.. hurt so deeply that you'd wish you have never met that person, never been with that person..


rather not have had any hopes right from the start..


*sighs*


and so.. would you rather have loved and lost or never to have loved before?