Dreams ✗ Expectations

A friend of mine has decided to venture out and start afresh in another country. It was not an easy decision; she did not have support from most people, especially her family. However, she held on to her decision and is flying off soon. Comments received include:

⇝ Immature
⇝ Unfilial
⇝ Friends who support her must be fake friends, those who object really care for her
⇝ Selfish

I can understand the above comments such as immature and selfish, but unfilial and fake friends? Whoever commented this was not using the brain. Why do I say so?

For the former, she is not the only child and her parents are healthy (not like diagnosed with terminal illness or something) and staying with other sibling(s) (with family). She is not in her teens and she has definitely thought it through before coming to such an important decision. Who says people who are living overseas must be unfilial? Does giving monthly expenses and staying together means filial? Shouldn’t filial piety come from the heart and not the superficial actions shown? Does making herself unhappy and do what the family wants mean filial? Does coming back to a house where she is being ignored and look down on daily mean filial? Does doing laundry and washing the plates mean filial?

Come on, they are not. Yes, there are arguments in the family, they have been upset over matters, but family should always stand together, as the saying goes, blood is thicker than water. I have seen my friend crying over mean words coming out from her family, suppressing her unhappiness and forcing herself to be what she is not and with people she does not like for her family, and more. All these were not appreciated by her family cos her family only sees the lousy side of her. I may sound biased but I have seen the weakest side of her and I have also witnessed how the family treated her. I have arguments with my family too, very badly, but we always stand together and we communicate. My family may not like certain decisions but they will always stand by me. This is what family is for. Family does not condemn each other. When they support, they support wholeheartedly. They see each other's point of view, they do not force each other to be what they expect. There is no expectations to meet, esp in love, only unconditional love and support. 

Now, those who support her must be fake friends. I totally cannot accept this. Real friends will give you advice, but the choice is yours to make and real friends will always support you for whatever decision you make (of cos, unless you say you want to take drugs, commit suicide, do things that are illegal and will harm yourself). Real friends do not object and condemn your decisions. People who really care for you will always stand by you, no matter what you do.

Yes, it is definitely a big risk to make such a decision, especially going to a country where you do not know their native language, a place where you stand out awkwardly and a risk of ending up with nothing. However, she is old enough (no longer teens or young adult) to choose her own path and she is aware of the risks and the consequences should her plan fail. Since she has thought it through and decided, what’s the point of stopping her? Yes, maybe she has not been with the other party for long, and yes, she may end up heartbroken etc, but at least it is her choice right? She has no one else to blame but herself should things go wrong. She should be old enough to handle herself and bear responsibility for her actions. Why treat her like a kid? If she were to do what is being told by others and things go wrong, who is willing to bear the responsibility? Who will bear the consequences? It will still be her. So, let her go. If this is a wrong move, let her fall and pick herself up. Every experience is a lesson learnt, so let her learn. I am also worried for my friend, but I trust her enough to let her make her own decisions. She has her reasons and I am not her, I may not think like her and she may not think like me. Likewise, she may not think like her family. I pray for her to be successful in her venture and hopefully, one day, those who objected will be able to see her real smile when she succeed. If she doesn’t, well, at least she learnt something and there will be no regrets.

So my friend, you have my support. I worry for you but I believe you will do your best to make things happen. 加油. ت

Filial Piety

How much are you willing to go to show your filial piety? Ultimate compliance to their requests, be it good or bad?  Submit 90% of your salary to them every month? Always on their side even if they are in the wrong? How much is too much?

Does not listening mean unfilial? Does not meeting their standards mean unfilial? Does not doing any of the above mean unfilial? 

You are not a puppet. Giving birth to you does not mean they have control over your life. I have friends who are considered unfilial because they refuse/unable to oblige to their parents’ requests; simple requests like doing household chores, to unreasonable ones like marrying people they do not love.

I find it hard to comprehend. How can any parent define filial piety as ultimate compliance to their requests? They THINK they are doing the RIGHT thing, they THINK their decisions are the BEST for you, they THINK they know you BETTER than yourself and so, you have to follow. Mind you, these are what THEY think, not how YOU really FEEL.

Your life is yours to write and the path is yours to walk. You are the one who will bear the consequences from the decisions made in your life, not your parents. I am not saying that you should never listen to your parents, but I think there should be discretion. You have to decide for yourself what you really want in life, especially decisions that will cause major changes in your future.

Of cos, you still listen to them. Seek their advice and understand them. No parent will harm his/her child. Communication is very important. Yes, they may be stubborn (which parent aren’t?) and have their own values and principles, but they always love their children. Listen but make your own decisions.

If any parent is reading this, I hope you are not offended. I am not a parent myself, but I do understand the need to protect the loved ones, and always wanting to make the best decisions for them. It is out of good will and I am sure all parents want the best for their children. However, they are not you, they may carry your genes, but they do not have your thoughts nor heart. They have their own thoughts, their own likes and dislikes, their ambitions and goals. Listen to them, advice them but do not force them to do what you wish they will, especially when it comes to matters of heart. Forcing will only make matters worse. Give them your support and assure them that the door to home will always be open for them. You can’t protect them forever, one day, they will need to fall and learn on their own. Of cos, they may not learn immediately, but maybe one day, they will. There is only so much that you can do for your loved ones, cos you cannot be there for them 24/7. They will need to decide what they want on their own, and learn to shoulder responsibility for their actions and they can only learn that through their falls.

In a nutshell, both parents and children should learn the art of listening. Parents have been children once and children will be parents someday. So, it should not be too hard to understand each other right? Always remember, your life is yours to write and so is the everyone else. Don't attempt to write the script for someone else, let them do it on their own and let the ending unveils itself.

Filial piety is not ultimate compliance, it is understanding, faith and unconditional love.