its the start of a new year, end of an old year..

its time for ppl to write about reflections and new goals, new hopes..

then i went to click on my december entries in the past 2 years, 2008 and 2007..

a roller coaster of emotions.. a roller coaster of emotions..

i smiled, then my heart ached and tears threatened to fall..

am i sad? i'm not sure..

am i happy? nope..

am i disappointed? i guess so..

in what? i am not sure either..


i looked at my 2008 entry and i saw this:

in 4 days' time, we will be celebrating the end of this year and welcoming the beginning of next year..

as i think back this year, alot of things changed.. for the better or worse? thats up to individual..

for me, i feel that all in all, it was for the better..

i believe everything happens for a reason.. when a door is closed, another will open in no time.. =)

alot of tears flowed this year, just as alot of laughter was heard..

i have grown up alot this year..

closed up alot, but opened up alot too..

learned to be more realistic..

learned to be more contented..

as for next year, i am keeping my hopes that it will be better, but i have learnt to always leave room for disappointment..

cos with high hopes, come with great disappointment..

this is just how life works..

how about yours?

have you reflected on your past year and plans for next year? =)

and this is what i hope for this year too..

be even more contented.. even more realistic.. hopes for better but not to hope too much..

last year this time, i thought my previous year were a roller coaster with so many things changing..

this year this time, i looked back and there's even more changes.. huge changes..

and last year, i had grown up a lot..

this year, i have grown up even more..



when i looked at the photos in 2007..how i spent my christmas.. and then in 2008, how i spent it..

and then this year..

huge differences..

and i realised.. my smiles changed.. alot..

i remembered how a person had told me that my smiles told alot of stories.. how my smiles werent happy smiles..

i din really see it then..

now i do..

i look at my photos.. it was different.. the happiest smiles kinda stopped in 2007..



why?

it has nth to do with anyone.. its just me.. the growing process.. make one forget how to appreciate small things..

how to believe in happiness.. simple happiness..

now everytime i smile or laugh happily.. at the back of my mind.. i am prepared for unhappiness later on..

skeptical? maybe. cynical? most probably.



i lost a lot this year.. but its a blessing in disguise i suppose..

i gained alot too.. i finally get to see who are true and who aren't..

every year is like that i guess..

you lose more n more pple and then at the same time, your life gets simpler and simpler (in a way)..

i also nearly lost a bit.. but i got back.. to the disappointment of some and gladness of others.. =)



i remembered feeling that way few years back, when i got back from aussie and got attached..

i remembered losing alot but gained alot too.. my life got simpler and more complicated at the same time..

and it was a blessing in disguise..

i wouldnt say those were bad years cos i enjoyed it.. with my then bf of cos.. =)

i learnt to be loved.. i learnt to be pampered.. i learnt to talk to solve things instead of screaming..

i learnt to compromise..

and then.. in 2009..

i learnt not to compromise.. i learnt to love.. i learnt to pamper.. i learnt that talking may not solve things..

i learnt to accept..

and i learnt that.. your heart can ache so much that you wish to stab it with a knife..


i also learnt that.. friends.. come and go..

those who are always with you may not be those who really understand you or love you the most..

i learnt to use my heart to look but my brain to judge..



i went back to aussie in 2009 with my trusted friend.. and the feeling was very different.. everything had changed..

the stores.. the people.. the routes.. the feelings.. everything changed..

as much as you hope to find back the old feelings.. it's gone.. and you can never get it back..

memories are the only thing that stay..

and i have learnt that in order to move on, one needs to learn to accept and forget about the past..

dont hold on to it..

accept the past and don't look back.. don go dig back old stuffs.. old queries.. old doubts..

it doesnt change things.. it only stir up unnecessary emotions.. which is not worth..




i realised i always look back.. and sometimes, i forget to turn back and look in front.. i get pulled into the past and i din wish to come back to the present..

and this year.. i hope i will learn not to look back so much and well, learn to concentrate on the front.. just like driving.. =)



i've come to understand myself better.. i've learnt that i am not as strong as i seem..

i realised that i have lost the confidence that i used to have..

whose fault?

i am not sure.

the self-confidence that i used to have.. that made me strong.. and pull me thru everything lost me this year..

and i fell badly.. real bad..

but in the mist of it.. i found pillars.. i found support.. thru comforting words.. thru assuring hugs.. to firm reprimanding.. thru silence.. they were there.. and i am glad.. =)



i also learnt that i am a much more forgiving person than i thought i was.. but at the same time, i am not as soft hearted as before..


good or bad? i guess i will know at the end of 2010.


i predict more changes to come this year.. and it may or may not be good..

am i prepared? yes.

will i be able to handle it? i am not sure.

but what i am sure is, when i cant handle.. there'll always be someone there to support me..

and i am glad. =)

thank you whoever the person may be at that point of time.

thank you.



well.. that's my reflections for 2009. a year of massive changes. a roller coaster of emotions. cry when i am happy and laugh when i am sad. crazy.

how about yours? =)